FEAR!

Last night we were having meatloaf and mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner. Doesn't seem to harmless, unless you are a 6 year old boy with a loose tooth. Erik was eating and suddenly ran from the table crying, he had bitten down and loosened his tooth even more, problem is he is terrified of having his teeth pulled. He is hardly afraid of anything, and this seems so miniscule to me, but to him it is HUGE! So began the battle of trying to convince him that it was o.k. to pull his tooth. Nope, nothing doing, that tooth was not to be removed. So today has come and the tooth is still there. I guess he will eventually get it out on his own has he does most of the others, but there is just something about a floppy tooth in their mouths that get to me.

So last night after everyone was in bed, I began to think about the blessing this little boy has been to us. He was born on June 29, 2001, and he was 7'0. I remember sitting in the hospital holding him that day, and he began to spit up and choke. I immediatly called in the nurses and they told me it was normal. He was my third one and it wasn't something that they had done before so I didn't think it was normal, but I figured they knew what they were talking about. We took him home and when he was 10 days old, we were getting ready for bed, and for some reason it was a feeling I could never describe to anyone but I was just paranoid to leave him alone, I couldn't leave him unless DH was sitting with him, and when I came back and was getting ready for bed, he was sound asleep in front of me, when his eyes flew open and he began to fight for breath. A fear came over me at that moment that I have never experienced in my life. I picked him up thinking it would help him to breathe, but it didn't. I began to try different things with him, but nothing was working. Now I have been trained in CPR, and all those things, but couldn't remember anything of what to do. Here was my baby, fighting for his life, and I couldn't think of what to do. I gave him some breaths and he began to breathe again, but was choking so badly that he couldn't really get his breath. I began to suction his throat and it helped a little. Here was the one time when I should have called 911, but it completley slipped my mind, I called the doctors office and they sent us to ER. When we got there, they began working on him, doing all kinds of tests and put him on oxygen as his oxygen levels were so low. His hads were so tiny that they had to use a flashlight to find his veins. (He was still under his birthweight). I was so afraid at this point, I felt that my baby was going to be gone, a fear I never want to have again. I didn't want to have anyone else hold him for fear that he would slip away from me

He was hooked up to all kinds of moniters and admitted into ICU. They asked questions and some of them were so scary. This was about the time when there was a surge in mothers abusing and killing their babies, and so they were immediatly cautious. They were considering brain scans and all, but ruled it out. He was in ICU for 4 days and they still didn't have any conclusive results to any of the tests that they ran, so they put him into a regular room and released him the next day.

He got to go home but with a monitor so if he stopped breathing it would alert us. By 2 days later he had had another spell. It wasn't as bad as the first, but it scared me. I couldn't just keep not knowing what was causing these spells, so I called his pediatrician, and he seen him immediatly that day. After asking a few questions, he said he couldn't actually diagnose him, but he believed he had GI Reflux. So he sent him to a specialist the next day. He was again admitted to the hospital for a test. This time they inserted tubes through his nose and into his stomach. For 24 hrs, I had to monitor everthing he did. If he coughed, cried, spit up, ate, everything. After 24 hrs he was released to go home and we were just awaiting the results of the tests. The results came back positive and he was put on a special diet, which completely fixed the problem. The final diagnosis was that he had spit up and when he took a breath it had gone into his lungs cuasing him to aspirate. They said he would have been considered SIDS, as we would never have heard him. He was so silent in all his fighting that if I hadn't been looking at him, I never would have known.

I thank God every day for the blessings I have, and when I think about how close we were to losing one of the kids, I still want to cry. He is so special. He is the one to come to me and thank s me for being his mommy, he tells me that I am the best cook, mommy, etc. in the whole world. He still comes and crawls up on my lap for snuggles, and is such a sensitive person. He wants to do the right thing so badly and when he doesn't he gets very repentant. When I imagine our family without him, it makes me hug him more and appreciate more the days I have with the kids. Each one brings something special and different into our family, and they are very much loved.

Sorry for the long post, but just had to share with everyone the miracle this little boy is that he is still here with us today. The doctors said that if we had not been with him we would never have heard him, and he would not have made it. I really believe that God gave me that feeling I had that night, and if I hadn't listened to it, he would not be with us today, and my heart goes out to those who have lost loved ones. You are in my thoughts and prayers!